How to Catch a Catfish

Time for a light post for a change (and yes, I do realize that I need to share the results of my choice, but I’ll save that for a day when I have more time to write).
A while back I spent a weekend with D and we went fishing. We went to a marina not far from her home and were fishing off of the docks. Every now and then a turtle would swim past making us chuckle, but the fish seemed determined not to bite. A gentleman was bringing his boat in to change supplies and struck up a conversation with D (have I mentioned that she’s never met a stranger?). He told her that if we’d like to take it and had the ability to transport it, there was a catfish in the cooler he was leaving on the dock and to help ourselves.
After another hour or so we came to the conclusion that we just weren’t going to catch any fish and that we might as well take a look at the catfish and see if it might be worth taking home for dinner. So, butch and femme stare into this cooler and try to figure out if we have any way of getting the fish home. It was about a 3 pound catfish. We weren’t far from the house, so we knew we wouldn’t need ice, so decided that we could stick him in a plastic bag. D went to the car to get the bag and see what she could find to get him out of the cooler with.
She comes back with the bag, a hand towel, and a swiss army knife-type thingy (yes, I’m hopeless when it comes to this kind of stuff) with a pair of pliers to lift him out with. The fish was about the same length as the cooler, so she figured he wouldn’t be able to move around too much. I stood there for about 10 minutes watching her make attempt after attempt at lifting the fish by grabbing his lower jaw with the pliers only to have him wriggle and fall back into the cooler. I noticed a torn minnow net laying on the dock near the cooler and decided to see if I could use it to hold the fish against the edge of the cooler so that she could get a better grip.
Another 5-10 minutes of failed attempts and I could see that D was getting pretty frustrated. Being a kind-hearted femme (okay, so I just didn’t want her to be grumpy for the rest of the day), I decided to rescue the butch. I picked up the hand towel, folded it in half to protect my hand, picked up the bag in my other hand, grabbed the stupid fish and put him in the bag. After staring at me for a moment or two with a dumbfounded look on her face, D’s only comment was, “You couldn’t have thought of that 15 minutes ago?” Then she burst out laughing and we both laughed all the way back to the car.
The next step in this adventure was to realize that neither of us had ever skinned a catfish. So we headed to her parent’s house figuring that her dad would know how to do it. Between the three of us, the extent of the knowledge was that it should be nailed to a tree. So, into the backyard with a hammer and some 4-inch nails we went. I held the fish against the tree and turned my head away while D pounded a nail through the skull. We actually didn’t do too terrible of a job at it and came away with a decent amount of fish to grill later in the evening.

Choices

My brain is so damn confused any more. Doesn’t help that I’ve been sick for the last couple of days. I know that at some point in the future I’m going to have to make a choice between E and D, and no matter which way I go, someone is going to get hurt.

E has been much more open about his feelings lately. He tells me that he’s in love with me and that although he loves his wife, he’s no longer in love with her. He has visions of all of us (me, E, K, the hobbit, and Stinky) sharing a home someday. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. Although it would be nice to be together that much, I’d still be secondary. I wouldn’t be introduced to family and friends as the one that he loved, K would still hold that place.

On the other side of the coin, D talks about the possibility of a triad. She seems to think that A would be open to it, perhaps more open than D herself. But would this be the same kind of situation?

It seems that no matter which I choose, I will always be secondary. Someone else holds the top spot in each of their lives. Can I be happy living with that? And how do I make this kind of choice? I love both of them.

I know exactly how E feels about me. D I’m not as sure of. I know she cares for me…I’m just not sure how deep the feelings really are. She’s very guarded about them at this point. My relationship with E bothers her greatly. Sometimes I think I should take a break from him to see where things go with her without the “perceived threat” of him. But that’s not fair to him either. No matter what I do, someone gets hurt.

Things weren’t supposed to get this complicated. E was supposed to be a friend with benefits. We weren’t supposed to fall for each other. D was supposed to be just a friend…fishing, hiking…she wanted someone to enjoy the outdoor activities with that her wife didn’t enjoy. Then came the bdsm, the sex, and ultimately, the lovemaking. E picks on me that I always say “it wasn’t planned.” But it really wasn’t. I had no intention of falling for either of them. And yet, here I am, in love with both of them and knowing that before too long I may have to make a choice.

I know that E is fine with me seeing D. Or as fine as anyone can be about sharing someone that they care about. D, on the other hand, is very bothered by my seeing E. Partly because he’s a man and partly because she hates sharing. She doesn’t seem to get that I can love both of them at the same time. And yet, she loves her wife and supposedly cares about me. She just can’t see that others can have that same ability.

I have no clue what choice I’m going to make. I know that something is going to have to give soon. My brain and heart can’t take much more of this. I feel like I’m on the verge of an explosion. I find it kind of funny that I’m so worried about hurting either of them when in reality the biggest risk of hurt falls to me.

Loving Her

In my Lessons Learned post I mentioned having trouble trusting D with my heart. When I wrote that, I was still struggling with the discovery of my feelings for her. We had discussed it some over that weekend and I was still sorting things out. Even knowing that I really shouldn’t, I couldn’t stop myself from falling for her.
I know she’s married and loves her wife. And I have no desire to break them up. I also know that if A finds out what’s been going on that there will be hell to pay. I definitely feel guilty about the sneaking around and lying. It’s something I’ve always made a point of not doing.
But, how do you walk away from someone who makes you so happy? Who you have this instant, intense connection with, physically and otherwise. When I’m with her or talking to her, I feel happy and content. She knows exactly how to make me feel special, wanted, and cared about. I just can’t seem to find it in myself to walk away from that.
Miraculously, most of the time I don’t even doubt that she cares about me. This is a pretty strange occurrence in itself. Usually I plague myself with doubts about the other person’s feelings. Especially given the sexual intensity of our relationship, it’s hard for me to believe that I don’t have more doubts that it’s all just lust on her side. I’ve had that happen in the past.
I’m definitely terrified of getting deeply hurt, and I have no clue what the future will bring, but I also have no doubt that I have fallen pretty hard and can’t walk away from someone who makes me so incredibly happy.

Pleasing Her

Ever since last weekend there has been a common thread to many of my thoughts – how much I enjoyed pleasing D; how I can continue to please her; what I can do to please her. Right along with those thoughts come the “Holy crap! What am I thinking?” thoughts.

I never expected this degree of submissiveness from myself. Have never let anyone trigger that much in me. And yet, I find myself enjoying it. Nothing makes me happier than hearing her say “that pleases me.” Hearing those words or some variation on them provides me with such a feeling of contentedness. After I e-mailed her my last post on the lessons I had learned last weekend and she told me that it had pleased her, I floated on a cloud of happiness and contentedness for several days.

Am I more submissive than I thought I was? Is it just something about D that brings this out? Then again, does it really matter as long as we are both happy with it?

Lessons Learned

I spent last weekend with D.  Her wife was out of town for the weekend, so I actually had her completely to myself, which was wonderful.  The plan was to relax Friday evening with some “normal” play and then Saturday start a little heavier into the bdsm.  Guess both of our calendars were a little bit reversed. 

After work Friday, I came home to change clothes before heading out to her home.  Slipped my favorite little grey skirt over a garter and stockings and then added a black lace bra and silk shirt.  The look on her face when I got out of the car made it well worth the little bit of time it took to swing by here first.  I had forgotten that she’d never really seen me dressed up since we’ve always gotten together for outdoor activities in the past.

After a few kisses, she led me down the hall to the guest bedroom where I was instructed to remove my clothes and lie face down on the bed.  She spent the next couple of hours introducing me to a wide variety of floggers, dildos, and other devices.  I was taught to use deep breaths as a way of helping to ride past the pain.  At one point she had me counting each stroke of the flogger.  The wording to be used was very explicit, “One - thank you sir, may I have another?”  Have I mentioned that although I am most definitely a bottom, submissiveness does not come easy to me?  Took me a few tries to get going with it (she was forgiving this time since she knew it would be difficult for me, but I had been forewarned that things like non-proper wording, messing up the count, etc. would lead to starting again from one).  What I didn’t realize until later on was how much that counting actually helped me.  I had remembered that she had mentioned that it would be one of the ways that she would be able to judge where I was at mentally.  What surprised me was how much it helped me work through some of the pain.  Between being pissed off at having to count in that particular manner and trying so very hard to not lose track of which number we were on, my brain wasn’t able to focus as much on the pain of the flogging.

Using a cane she created a tic-tac-toe board on my upper back.  She then used the wartenburg wheel to create the X and O patterns in the squares.  I need to learn to remember to pay more careful attention and not worry so much about the humiliation of my back being used as a game board.  After she had filled in a few squares she asked me which shape she had placed in a particular square and I had no idea.  Which, of course, meant she cleared the board and started the game over.

Once the flogging lessons were over we played with the dildos, including her strap-on.  This was most definitely a very wild and thorough fucking.

She was very careful to not take me too far down this first time.  Once she decided it was time to stop, she took me into her arms, holding me and covering my face with gentle kisses and caresses, reminding me that I was okay and that she was there to protect and care for me.  As gentle as E is with me at times, there was a tenderness to this that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before.  I honestly don’t remember anyone ever wiping the tears from my eyes for me…which, of course, just made me cry even more.

Saturday we spent some time going over a list of potential activities with me marking how I felt about each of them and then the two of us discussing that list.  We also discussed, not for the first time, safe words and potential concerns/issues.  Later in the day we played with ice and hot wax, but not so much as bdsm, more as just an enhancement to sex.  The entire weekend was extremely sexual with just enough fishing to give me a good story for another post.

One of the other things we spent a lot of time talking about over the weekend was what I had learned Friday night.  In addition to the things I mentioned above, I learned that once I open the door a small crack, the walls I’ve built up inside of me lose some of their support and fall down a little faster.  I trust her completely with my body and mind, it’s my heart that I’m having a little more trouble with (more to come on that in another post as well).  There are definitely things that I’ve buried away over the years and this experience is starting to bring them back to the surface.  I’d like to think that I’ve grown enough to be able to cope with them better than when they were first shoved aside, and I am learning that D will be there to help me sort through them as they appear.  It’s scary to start letting things out.  D is trying to help me learn to be a little less analytical and a bit more feeling.  I think she’s got her work cut out for her, but she does keep telling me that she enjoys a challenge.

I find it interesting that looking back at it, I realize that I preferred not to know what she was going to do or use next.  I kept my eyes closed or at least turned away for most of it.  A couple of times I would turn to look to see what she had in her hand, but found I could concentrate better if I didn’t know what type of sensation was coming next.

One of the other things that she’s been working on with me for awhile now is holding back my orgasms.  I’m extremely multi-orgasmic.  I can usually come pretty quickly.  Holding them back a bit longer definitely adds to the strength of the orgasm.  She’s also been teaching me to ask for permission before I come.  Oh my.  Another of my little struggles, but one that I’m actually learning to enjoy.  There’s a certain amount of satisfaction in being strong enough to hold it back and then knowing that I’m pleasing her by waiting for permission makes the resulting orgasm absolutely incredible.

I find myself thinking more and more about how to please her.  These sessions seem so oriented toward me and my pleasure that I often worry that she’s not getting anything out of it.  She reassures me that this is not the case.

I’m actually a bit more relaxed after this weekend.  As scared as I am of letting some of these feelings and memories come back to the surface, there’s a certain amount of relief in it.  Knowing that D will be there to help me through it makes it so much easier to deal with.  I don’t completely understand it, but I know that she wants to be able to take care of me while at the same time encouraging me to take better care of myself.  I’m not used to this side of things.  I’ve always been the caretaker in my relationships.  It is definitely a struggle to lay there in her arms and just let go of everything.  I trust her, but there’s still a part of me that struggles against it.

A very important thing that I learned was that what I had experienced years ago with my former partner was barely a drop in the bucket.  I have a very long way to go and a lot to learn, and I am definitely looking forward to the journey.

I’m going to end this with a quote from a song by Emilie Autumn (if I can figure out how to I’ll link to a YouTube version of it).  The song is called Willow.  Interestingly enough the song is about loving someone who belongs to someone else, but there is a phrase that really spoke to me and seemed to sum up how I’m feeling at the moment.

That which I hold inside
Which I admire and deride
Which I protect and hide is yours

There’s a lot inside of me that needs to come out, both good and bad, and although ultimately it all belongs to me, it is now yours as well D.  Thank you so much for sharing this journey with me and helping me through it.  I will do my best to please you, to open myself up to you, to let you take care of me, and to learn to trust again.

Camping with D

Thursday night after finishing my volunteering I got in the car and started the drive.  On the way, I called D and found out that the campground we’d planned to stay at was full and that we’d be camping at a different, nearby site instead.  Quick call to E to have him look directions up for me and then continued on my journey, arriving in time to help D put the tarp over the second tent.  We did a few more things to get the campsite ready and then headed for a much needed shower.  After the shower, I slipped into the little pink lace outfit and put my shorts and t-shirt on over it figuring it would be a nice surprise for her later on.

D had finished her shower first and headed back to the campsite to start a campfire.  We sat and enjoyed the flickering flames (both in the campfire and elsewhere) while discussing our plans for the weekend.  We agreed that we were both way too tired to do any serious talking that night and that we weren’t going to be able to really concentrate until we’d gotten some sleep and relieved some of the sexual tension.  By this time, her fingers had discovered the lace, although her eyes had yet to partake of it.  We banked the fire and moved into the tent.  Our campsite was on a bit of a slope, so the angle of the cots provided a slight challenge for us.

Clothes flew in every direction and D’s eyes lit up as she took in the pink lace.  Her fingers slid down pushing the panties aside as she explored the wetness waiting for her.  Her lips and teeth found my neck and collarbone, biting gently at first and then much harder as she listened to my reaction.  She pulled away for a moment and began foraging in the discarded clothing.  Next thing I know she’s undoing the ribbon that’s holding my breasts in place.  Her fingers and lips harden each nipple so that she can place the nipple clamps on them.  Mmmmm.  My hands grip the edge of the cot even though they really want to dig into her shoulders.  I made a promise not to since A would be joining us the next day and my fingernails have a tendency to leave claw marks.  In the meantime, her fingers were moving deeper into me and she began the process of getting her fist inside.  The combination of the pinching feeling up top and stretching down below was driving me insane.    She always tells me how much she enjoys watching me squirm…she definitely got her favorite view that night as I came over and over again.

Eventually she pulled away and stretched out on the other cot.  I found out the next day that she stopped so abruptly because she was feeling the desire to switch from fucking to lovemaking which is obviously something we’re trying not to do.  After a brief recovery period I decided it was time to show my appreciation, so I slipped down on my knees next to her cot and started kissing her.  My fingers and mouth eventually moved to her nipples where my tongue had fun playing with her nipple rings.  It was my turn to make her squirm as I slid my fingers into her wetness, knowing that fucking me was what had made her so wet.  She asked for more, so I cautiously started working my way toward fisting her.  I was somewhat concerned because of the long fingers combined with long fingernails, but she took it all.  I had forgotten how amazing it was to feel those muscles clamping around my hand, tighter and tighter as she came harder.

We fell asleep in separate cots, holding hands.  The next morning I took her out to breakfast since it was her birthday and we needed to go into town to do some shopping anyway.  When we arrived back at the campsite, we sat down and had a lengthy discussion about what we each wanted from the other and what concerns we each had.  We agreed that we make great friends and don’t want to completely stop seeing each other.  We also agreed that the bdsm would be incredible between us.  We both felt that there was no way we could be around each other and not end up having sex.  The ultimate decision was a combination of friends, fuck buddies, and bdsm partners.  The friends and bdsm partners are okay with A, it’s the fuck buddy part that will have to remain hidden.  We both feel guilt that we’re going to have to sneak around, but neither of us is able to walk away.  All I can do at this point is hope that noone ends up getting hurt.  I do realize that it’s a very real possibility and the likelihood is that it will be me.  A part of me really wishes that I could just walk away and forget about her, but I just can’t.  The chemistry and connection with her is just too strong.

Later that day, after a couple of hours at the pool, we decided to go fishing.  We had purchased some earthworms while out shopping, so we loaded them and the fishing poles into the car and headed for the lake.  We found what looked like a pretty good spot, got set up, and into the water the lines went.  Within seconds we were getting bites, but couldn’t seem to catch the fish.  After a few tries, losing the earthworms completely, we decided to try smaller hooks.  That didn’t help.  The fish was still stealing our earthworms but not taking the hook.  After about a dozen worms, I finally managed to snag the hungry little fish.  My shock at his size led me to step backwards and end up falling on my butt.  Into the air flew the fish and the line snagged a branch in the tree above me leaving a 2-inch blue gill dangling in front of my face.  D couldn’t stop laughing at the sight.  Finally she calmed enough to come rescue the fish and throw him back in the water.  When she walked away still laughing I finally asked her to help me up or at least take the pole so I could get up.  That pretty much ended our fishing trip.

A arrived later that evening and we spent some time chatting before heading to bed.  At this point, all affection between D and I had to stop.  Not an easy thing for a touchy-feely person like me.  The rest of the weekend was pretty difficult for me.  Watching D being affectionate with A and not being able to have that for myself.  A had brought the dogs with her, so 1 of us always had to stay at the campsite with them.  Which worked out well because it gave D and I excuses to be alone together.  Saturday morning A and D went shopping while I took the dogs on a nature walk.  Afterwards, A and I went to the pool for a little while.  When we returned D and I went to an event being held by the park.  We were late, so ended up doing some exploring.  These two pictures are my favorites from our exploring.

Later in the evening, D and I slipped away again to gather firewood and pick raspberries for Sunday’s breakfast.  She had snapped at me earlier in the day for trying to help her out with stuff and this gave us the opportunity to finally discuss it.  I told her how hard it was for me to just sit on my butt and watch someone else do all the work.  It’s not how I operate.  If I am capable of helping, I will do so.  She explained that she’s not used to people helping.  A doesn’t really do much of anything and apparently in past relationships it’s been the same thing.  She promised to try to be more open to my help and I promised to not take it personally if she refused my assistance.

Sunday morning it was time to break down the camp.  D ended up finding out how much quicker and easier it was with someone who was willing to help.  She told me we made a great team.  And she thanked me, telling me how frustrated she usually gets during the packing up since A doesn’t do much of it.  My help kept her from getting so frustrated and angry.  Once we were all packed up, it was time to say goodbye.  We stood near the cars chatting for a bit.  A told me that she had enjoyed my company and that she was fine with D and I entering into a bdsm relationship.  D tried to convince her that the 3 of us should sit down and talk soon, but A decided that she wants to talk to me alone.  She is supposed to call me one night this week to discuss it.  Both D and I are on edge waiting to hear what she has to say.  One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was get in my car without being able to hug D goodbye.

Anticipation

Just a few more hours and I get to see D again!  We are going to spend the weekend camping.  Tonight and most of tomorrow will be just the two of us.  Then A is going to join us tomorrow evening for the rest of the weekend.  We’re hoping that it will give A a bit of a chance to get to know me better and get more comfortable with me.  We’re going to do some fishing and hiking and just hanging out together.

I’m really glad that I’m going to get plenty of alone time with D too.  As we’ve spoken over the past week, we’ve realized that there’s a lot we really need to discuss/figure out and that it will be much easier to do so in person.   For tonight though, we’re just going to enjoy each other’s company and save the talking for tomorrow.  I had to laugh as I was talking to her on the phone a little while ago as she was muttering under her breath digging through her “toy box.”  She has no clue about the sexy pink lace I have in my bag to change into after my shower when I get there.  Knowing how I affect her fully clothed, it’s going to be interesting to see her reaction to it.